He probably also wouldn’t stop looking at him in the backseat, and I bet he farted on his pillow once.

For a country that is so hysterical about birth rates you don’t seem so concerned about the children-staying-alive-long-enough-to-graduate-high-school rates

I don't think I've ever written "sound up" before, but sound up.

Maybe you should have bought Netflix. You don't seem to understand what it is that we do here on Twitter.

I’m starting to think Dave Grohl doesn’t even know he’s my boyfriend.

If Biden had done this, there’d be nothing else on the news. Free to read: nytimes.com/2024/09/03/us/… via @NYTimes

"Holiday weight" starts with Labor Day. Everybody knows that.

The library said if I keep eating lollipops that way I can't come back

I think the bigger story is that People got an interview with Abraham Lincoln's doctor!

Boss: There's a meeting at 3. Me: Unsubscribe. Boss: What?

#TBT that time I hung out with El Chapo and Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ at some safe house. I escaped….without paying the check.

Musk agreed that Churchill was the real villain of WW2 and that the Nazis killed their “prisoners” out of compassion. This HAS to be the red line. He’s an enemy to America.

Being online used to just be fun, now it’s more like compulsively picking at a scab, so still kinda fun but in a very different way

the seventh grader in me wants to high five whoever did this

For those a bit slow on the uptake, this platform is a Russian psyop. Elon Musk, and all the other right-wing influencers that he's boosting, are Russian assets paid for by Russia. DOJ is starting to peel back the layers of the onion. Who knows if there will be consequences.

I can’t believe it’s watching Taylor Swift watch football season already

Called in, "Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day."

position of the day:

Look Ma, no handle on things

Trump's sign language interpreter.