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Welcome to your 50’s, you always have a pinched nerve now

I’ve gotten this far without ever wearing a pair of crocs, so I think I’m good.

Not sure why people think it’s strange I’m teaching my dogs Italian. It’s just a matter of time until we move there.

Something I’ll never see again in my lifetime? Americans liking one another.

Yes please

If you don’t think this is horrifying and scary and you’re OK with it because it’s not your candidate do me a favor and unfollow me. This is not the kind of country I want to live in. I don’t wish harm on any candidate whether I like them or not. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

I can’t get out of this shit hole fast enough

There’s 345 million people in this country and only 10 of us know how a 4-way stop works.

RIP Pockets 💔 17 years in the family you will truly be missed

PSA toilet paper is made in the USA so STOP HOARDING

LA = looters anonymous

Love her ❤️

Merry Christmas 🎄

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

Whatever I’m just gonna leave my typos in my tweets

I’ll give you the rope. You can either hang yourself or skip with it. Your choice.

And just like that, I no longer have fingerprints.

My emotional support animal is just a rotisserie chicken

I will blossom again. I will be wilder than a spring.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY 🇺🇸