He who smelt it dealt it.

What a self-indickment.

Donald Trump is his own smelling salts

George Conway No wonder Merchan doesn't want to turn up the thermostat.

Please please please can we start calling Trump’s posts “toots” from now on? Make toots happen.

Most courtroom farts since Lincoln.

When you kick off your campaign in Waco and end up with wackos.

Just remember the Hollywood Access tape got weird when Trump started popping tic tacs because his bad breath might complicate his pussy grabbing.

Gentlemen callers ululate learnedly bout your baby box.

Jury selection is boring until you recall the defendant has to sit captive for a week listening to 60 potential jurors tell him he’s a pusillanimous badger chode whose face-frenulum guffaws approximate human speech.

Are you man enough to join Team FART?

Antifa

Eight hours. No naps.

My bad. I meant to cut her a check directly and accidentally wound up incorporating an offshore shell entity to funnel reimbursements to a third party. I blame the Glenlivet in my file cabinet.

Many people are saying Lincoln got 10% of every penny with his face on it.

What’s the term in football for when you lose yourself the game when the ref blows the opening whistle?

Anyone want to see a dead body?

Twitter is where I disgorge the parochial school playground comebacks that could not escape the lips of a slight, gloomy fourth grader getting the shit kicked out of him while the teachers made bets.

But seriously, I'm fine.