Walked past a park where there was a football match in progress and one player was in full suit and tie. Can't stop thinking about it. I suppose my best guess is a dare/bet. But if it was you (big if) please get in touch, I've got understandable questions.

In life's battles, some friends are in the trenches with you; some will text saying 'hope all ok in trenches'; some will desert you and then years later say 'how were the trenches? Sounds shit'.

I’ve hardly been on here the last three days and, my goodness, you’ve all been looking between letters of your keyboard an awful lot.

It is me. I was on camera for two days. Just the voice remains but it was good to be part of and I was allowed to keep the jumper.

Are the VAR checks much quicker and less intrusive in the Champions League, or I am imagining it? And if so, why? Do we not have good enough phone signal in this country or something?

Six months on, an important update: there are three baby foxes out there. Congratulations, guys!

Close, but no, I’ll explain again: I’d like them to pay an appropriate level of tax in the first place.

We interviewed Neil Robertson, one of my favourite players, this week, about success and failure. It was as much of a pleasure for him as it was for me. He didn't say that exactly, but it was heavily implied.

Is this the answer, really? It won’t clear up the date clash and it feels a bit glib just eating it in front of your partner with this tension between you. I’m not sure these two - very creative - players have really thought it through.

Now my replies are awash with people claiming bananas are berries or seeds or something and a car is an animal and fuck knows what else.

The aubergine is a fruit, not a vegetable, I've just heard from my mate Huw. Tomato and cucumber - fine, you get used to them being fruits over time. Potato not one of your 'five a day': a blow, but, whatever. But now aubergine is a fruit. Christ.

As some of you know, my brother has been sticking up for super-minnows Micronesia in the swamp of FIFA, football's world governing body, for years. If you want to do a tiny good thing without having to invest properly, reply to FIFA's tweet as below. Thanks!

An incomplete list of the shows I'll be helping to look after this summer. I'm also doing a work-in-progress show of my own in Edinburgh but it won't be on sale till next month; is on an ambitious subject which will take time to nail; you are not to watch it.

Announcement tomorrow ... Impatient Productions

Fellow passenger's phone goes off and the ringtone is Auld Lang Syne. Nobody was expecting that. Has he not had a call since December 31 or does he just love the tune and refuse to back down?

He typed this one letter at a time and he 100 percent has keyboard sounds on.

During the match the camera went in on Grealish and I had this incredibly vivid vision of what he’ll look like at 70. It was so convincing. Same face, still fit, but the hair and teeth just gone a bit. I don’t know what to do with this power.

Welwyn Garden City. ‘A marriage of town and country’ it says on the station sign. From here, you’d have to say it doesn’t seem to have been an equal marriage.