I dare you to make a commercial with people in mocap suits and not have a ping-pong ball bounce across the floor as your punchline.

"Vote no on blah blah, protect the kids." You knocked on the wrong door. I'm pro-kid death.

since twitter is dead or whatever, I'm just going to write down my stoned ideas in case any of them turn out to be something I might develop. Last night I had: Dreams are reality and reality is a dream. (Action/Comedy)

A line of dialogue where one of those little twerps is asking a dad, "Oh sportsball huh? I guess the point is to put the ball in the thing." And the dad says something like, "It's more about witnessing feats of incredible athleticism." I'm not sure who we're rooting for here.

Whoever created elephants was a psycho. What if to eat, they have to use their nose!!

A late night show on a genius planet where they do the Jay Walking segment. But the questions are like, “What did Nietzsche mean when he said ‘God is dead,’?” and they say, “I think it has something to do with postmodernism?” And everyone laughs at that stupid stupid moron.

A guy dies and in the afterlife they tell him he was the most perfect person to ever live life. He was always right in every thought and action he ever had. Now he has to run heaven or something.

There are people 21 years old. Old enough to drink. Graduating college and heading into the work place. Becoming functional citizens. And they have only ever known Charmin as the brand where bears take shits.

Oh I'm soooo sorry I spilled vodka all over my W-2s, I guess I get like way less taxes or whatever??

Having to push the button twice to pause something should be illegal.

If I was Wolverine I would get shot as much as possible because I’ll bet squeezing out bullets is as satisfying as popping a zit.

.Willy Roberts and I have been doing a podcast for like a 4th of our lives? Here's a video, only available to our Friends of Charlqwon tier. Watch every Sunday on schrabhomevideo.com and subscribe to Real Life Sci-Fi on your very specific podcast app. patreon.com/posts/truth-ab…

I'm gonna make some chicken parm.

Dragons who covet gold is so mid.

Did you ever think the reason white people smell like wet dogs when it rains is because every time you don’t see us, we’re wrastlin with hundreds of dogs?

Not to brag. But my credit card balance can only be described as "outstanding."

Liev Schreiber recapped the first episode of Hard Knocks on the latest Bottom Line Bombs!

Leav Schreiber returns with another clean Hard Knocks recap…

I don't know if txitter is for this anymore, but Eric Acosta and I are making reaction movies to "chick flicks" we've never seen. Watch and subscribe and hit the like button and do all those things. youtube.com/watch?v=D_K4Wa…

Typing this from my surfboard!!!