In preparation for the long winter I am slathering my body with butter but for some reason my butter churn is feeling snugger than it did last year and don't tell me that's not how butter churns work or that snugger isn't a word I have to live my life on my own two buttery feet

All this time trying to nudge an injoke out of an untouched inflight magazine as the tray sighs dreamily "table of content." So I storm off yelling turbulence for one and get a wink from opposing winds. I rough up my tie.

If you want to have a good time: bust out the old yo-yo and "walk the dog". If you want to have a bad time: imagine a group of middle aged men dressed as Waluigi meeting in a cheap motel, writhing on the floor, eating overly ripe plums off a dirty carpet, moaning in dark ecstasy.

Just under the Earth's crust you'll find the Earth's juice box.

Cleaning up old dump sites for the county we came across a severed finger. I took it home & awoke to the sound of it tapping on my phone screen FIND THE REST OF ME. As it inched across town, I followed it, horrified. It lead me to a feller likes to repair lawnmowers while drunk.

On Halloween, Cyrus draped himself in cold cuts and strutted about, mimicking the vainglorious behavior of the living. The other skeletons rattled with laughter.

YEAH! BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO THE GROUND! I shout from inside the burning house that I refuse to leave because I can't bear to abandon my collection of potatoes that look like shrunken heads

In the airport duty free shop opening up all the cigar tubes looking for free hotdogs

i found a way to save $8 a month

Oh no I’ve encountered my future self! The consequences could be disastrous😳🥼

Is anyone else having problems with their notifications

I’ll be straight with you. This isn’t iambic pentameter.

I’m gonna leave this all behind and go back to being a reply girl like I always wanted

I was fired from Twitter this morning. I was responsible for the clattering in the walls, the sighing through endlessly branching florescent-lit hallways, the garden of forking paths dripping dark tendrils into the depths of the earth, silently drinking the ferment I grow out of.

famous athlete and dangerous proposition hi falling i'm dad