Nazis are trendy. This is the darkest timeline.

“you’re quiet” thanks, I’ve had a crush on you for years and I’m trying not to bother you with it.

Good for you and your portion control.

The same coworker asked me "where are you from" 3 times today and so far I've answered with my address, how I got hired and where I studied. Anyone else got any good ideas? I plan on making this the longest day in her life.

It's official! The Comedy Nest will be reopening the week of February 28th! WOOHOOOOOO!

Why isn't Tilda Swinton on Tinder Swindler? Mistakes like this wouldn't happen if I worked for Netflix.

Love Is Blind season 2 episode 1: We decided to have curvy women on the show. Love Is Blind season 2 episode 2: JK JK JK!! Can you imagine??!! 🤣

Shaine acts like the vilain in every romcom ever made. #LoveIsBlindS2

They keep making pads for active women on the go. Where is the pad for me? The lazy woman going nowhere. Maybe their pad is good for playing tennis but I'm on my second season of New Girl and I'm leaking in my pyjamas.

[first date] Him: I was in a Burger King commercial when I was 5 Me: Oh, well I was one of those chubby babies in that weird Anne Geddes coffee table book Him: That book came out in the 90s you said you were born in 84 Me: I'm also a time traveler

My cat's mood tonight: you can either pet me or I can shit on the floor. Choose wisely.

Russia: *invades Ukraine* The memes on FB this morning: BuT I JUst LeaRNeD hOw To mAKe SouRDOugh!

I'm sick of laying around depressed at home. I miss laying in the sun or on a beach depressed. At least I look hot and misunderstood at the beach, right now my friends think I moved because they haven't seen me in 2 months.

Where are all my empty husks at?!! Hang in there. It's almost spring.

Who wants a free lunch, or 30$ Amazon gift card Courtesy of the Mass-debaters? All you have to do is have best bracket closets to ours when we do this show on the 31st. Top bracket gets this prize. #podcast #tvintro #tvthemesongs

This week! Houston Comedy Festival vet Carly Baker hosts Newbie Tuesday and Montreal Gazette Artist to Watch @Wiweth hosts Comedy Lab Wednesday! March 15 & 16, 8pm (to 9:30), $6 gets you in and a free pass to a weekend show! Info/tix: comedynest.com

Life is a Marvel festival I was forced to go to.

A lot of people see my fingertips and assume I play guitar but I really just eat a lot of pistachios

Hold me closer Tony Danza