Super bored at work. If anybody's got any internet petitions they need me to sign, now's the time.

"Really sorry, just saw ur text right now" actually means: I hate dealing with you. Get a clue.

Ur making a huge mistake. Everybody knows interns have more fun. RT Kelly Kapoor My relationship with Ryan was more of an internship.

Hate when my mom says I’m unique as a snowflake. A snowflake is just scummy ice water that falls and melts away. THAT’S NOT ME.

Where's that weirdo who always likes all of my statuses when I need him??

Amazed ppl still want to be U.S. president. It’s like applying to be the CEO of AOL.

Had a terrifying dream last night that all my internet posts from 2005 came back to haunt me.

"Nothing cool ever happens after 1AM” – definitely not me.

The Summer X Games were cool, but I'd be way more interested in the Summer X-Rated Games.

Life is short. Don’t wait to tell someone what you think they can improve on.

Maybe stop hiding behind your indirect status updates.

Weird – I just went through this exact same drought business on Farmville. Life imitating art?

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t give me Friday off so I can go to Musikfest?

The Mars Rover takes a few dusty snapshots and everybody's talking, but I take 100 amazing Instagram pictures and no one says a word.

It’s gonna be really hard for me to dislike Paul Ryan when he has such an incredible last name.

My new motto = WWPHD (what would Prince Harry do?)

Ladies, life's too short to have a mixologist boyfriend.

Lance Armstrong was "blood-doping?" Yeah, I think somebody’s been watching way too much True Blood…

Ohio: known for the Wright brothers, the 1st man in space, more presidents than any other state, and now Ryan Howard. Sayonara Scranton!

Someone should post an intentionally vague status update that prompts ppl to ask what’s going on with them.