I probably just needed a hug but instead developed a raging eating disorder...

i miss being normal around food, just not even thinking about it. like yeah i wanna eat that ill eat it then! i miss this so bad

recovery is hard. i’ve been still under control of my ed and restricting these days.. but im trying my best to eat all nutrients needed

ate at my grandma and it was a lot of pasta and meat so i think around 700 cals, and i burnt ~770 by hiking today for hours and for dinner i got ~200 cals, so technically i should eat more if i wanna recover but im terrified, what if my meal was way more :(( i feel full too…

mothers will complain abt their child’s eating habits & then come home after a whole day of work n say stuff like “oooh i havent eaten anything yet today”

first time eating a sugar snack (without c/s or in ridiculously small quantity) in months. it was the best experience of the day i think… like damn… my heart rate literally went up it felt like i was a bit high I LOVE SUGAR but ive had enough for today it’s still scary…

im proud because today i had almost 1.4k calories, so approximately my bmr (maybe even a bit higher) !! first real step into my approach of recovery. i did walk 20k steps and burnt 740 cals because of the ed voices but hey at least my intake was good! i’m happy.

so scared i’m gonna gain AHHH i hate this ed

i hate how i’m always trying to find distractions from food. i feel like an ogre

gonna eat soups today so hopefully tmrw i don’t have any more food weight and i can calm down cuz if i actually gained from yesterday i will freak out

i think everyone should be kinder

breakfast! ~120cals

holy fucking shit this was terrifying i had a bowl of kellogs and milk without calculating cals im shaking so bad i want to recover but this is making me so stressed fuck

had 1.1k cals today (still a bit under my bmr) and burnt 596 but i still feel like im gonna gain. its so stupid. I also feel guilty because i’m trying to semi-recover (at least maintain for now..) but i genuinely freak out both bcz im scared of losing and scared of gaining???

so… i hit my lw the sick part of my brain is happy, but the part that wants to recover is fucking disappointed. I started this semi recovery (maintaining) attempt 1 month ago and i was 51kg. now im 49. i think i need to understand that eating just under my bmr wont make me gain