I met Emmanuel the emu today. He was delicious.

13 is concerned I’ll embarrass him in front of his friends, but I promised to embarrass him in front of strangers too.

My dog is a 10 but she's really a 70.

Apparently the only qualification to be hired as a door-to-door salesman is the ability to completely disregard the "No Soliciting" sign.

Welcome to your 50s. You now crave peace and quiet during the day but use a noise machine at night.

I've been donating a lot of blood recently. Not voluntarily.

Went to my eye exam stoned. My vision is 20/420

“Your order is on the way.” No it’s not, you printed a label.

Fellas, if she has ‘Realtor 🏡’ in her bio she’s 50bps away from starting an OnlyFans

I'll cook Thanksgiving dinner OR pick you up at the airport. But not both.

the Chinese spy balloon lucky numbers are 4 11 3 22 8 65

in case of emergency your pope can be used as a flotation device

Putting up my indictment decorations

My doctor told me to quit smoking weed. I thought about it and realized that after 25 plus years I should find a new doctor.

Taking down my indictment decorations.

I'm not saying my dad is old but I called to wish him Happy Father's Day and I got a busy signal.

ice cream trucks are meals on wheels for stoners

I'm a big thinker but I live in a tiny house.

My wife is cheating on me. She 3D printed a pool boy.

I ate 62 hot dogs today. I wasn't in an eating contest I was stoned.