I think I might have peaked at 19, when a homeless man in NYC stood over me and bellowed “Conan, what is good in life?!”, and I gave him the correct answer without hesitation

Officially too many years in restaurants. A friend just texted me ”cook out at my house tomorrow” and I legitimately thought I was being told they were going to be short a line cook for the day.

I’m just gonna go ahead and say whoever is actually controlling Trump went ahead and staged this little piece of theatre

Nothing like smoking a bowl and talking to your bestie about how the CIA definitely wouldn’t have botched hitting a large stationary target after successfully blowing JFK’s clean head off while he was in a moving car

the shooter showing up to the rally in a weapons brand shirt, missing his target, and being IDed as a registered voting republican is genuinely so funny

How much cooler would Star Wars have been if someone in that galaxy far, far away had just invented cigarettes?

Depending on how it goes, this might be your last chance, so do make an effort to vote today

Well, at least my long held suspicions that the Midwest is garbage and Gen Z is useless have been confirmed

That Tyson fight is just further evidence this is the darkest timeline

I’ll admit it’s a little nitpicky, but part of me is very annoyed HBO has Beowulf (2007) files under the “Based On A Book” selections

I went to hollow earth and everyone there knew you

I’m starting a new side hustle where I rate guns for mouthfeel and flavor profile

Invent a french fry that stays hot for longer

I imagine bleeding out everywhere

David Lynch did it right. Make incredible genre defining art, smoke cigarettes your whole life, and die days before Trump becomes President again.

Currently in an “off my meds” phase which is extra impressive because I’m not on meds

Obi Wan Kenobi smokes Marlboro Reds and no one can tell me different. Anakin vapes the fruitiest vape available and all the other Jedi hate him.

Ahhh, nothing like my favorite day off activity: spending six hours watching a two hour movie because god forbid I put my phone down for five fucking minutes

It’s been over 20 years, but I’m still ashamed that I once quoted Infinite Jest to get laid

How am I only just now realizing that in Pitch Black, the name Richard B Riddick is just a coded dick joke? “Dick Be Ridic”?! I’ll give it to you Vin Diesel, you got me good.