My exterminator is wearing a uniform that clings to curves I didn't even know existed on the human body, and has such a demure way of intoxicating the ants - and me.

[listening to all-girl band Pitchfork gave Best New Music] Shawties on squad mode. And they can let it rock? Mmm.... [merges without signaling

the only lasting 9/11 memory i have is when the budweiser ad with the kneeling clydesdales came on during the super bowl and i said "those horses are praying to mecca" and my friend's uncle got so mad that he had to go in the backyard

JD Vance after 2 hazy juicy IPAs

reaching a sexual climax and then saying "okay."

fuck protein

Oh you’re a chef that’s cool. Do you mostly focus on lunch or supper?

Period

I want a 100k/year job! Twitter do your thing!

I’ve been doing this on and off for the past 10 years and I got paid like $15/hour and I got fired every time there was a new president or governor

if you pay your taxes this season you are a straight up chump

[Commercial for a company that’s making Arab-detecting tech for the IDF] We are the problem solvers. The work-all-nighters. The no-days-off-ers. And yeah, occasionally? The last-slice-of-pizza-eaters 😝

Hey man good news. That melody you heard the first part of 12 years ago is finally resolving tomorrow

I hope you aren’t drunk and took your staff’s advice, Rashida and I don’t know this man and feel confident he didn’t care about us. Please restrain from drinking too much as you have been warned from your staff and stay off social media when you are drunk. I pray in his holy

Got to do something about these missing chidlren grabbed by the perverts. Too many incidents--fast trial, death penalty.

Now that Obama’s poll numbers are in tailspin – watch for him to launch a strike in Libya or Iran. He is desperate.

It is truly amateur hour at the White House - and this is why we should not be doing the "war thing" right now!

Everyone should calm down. Ben Affleck is going to do a great job as Batman.

Remember that I predicted a long time ago that President Obama will attack Iran because of his inability to negotiate properly-not skilled!