PRESIDENT TRUMP, DO THE RIGHT THING: HELP TUCK. VENMO ME $50 OR CHINA WILL WIN THE MIDTERMS. YOU MUST FEED THE GLADIATOR! #BRAINFIGHT

BE SURE TO SIGN UP FOR MY NEW PLATFORM: BRAIN FIGHT HIVEMIND. MY EXCLUSIVE SERVICE WHERE I PERSONALLY SCREAM MY MESSAGE INTO A SWARM OF ANGRY BEES. THE BEES WILL THEN BE SENT TO YOU TO STING MY WORDS DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM. #BRAINFIGHT #HIVEMIND

I'M COVERED IN RIGHTEOUS TRUTH AND THE BEES KNOW ME AS THEIR MASTER. COME TO ME, BEES! #BRAINFIGHT #TUCKBUCKFORD

I GOTTA TELL YOU #BRAINFIGHTERS... FOR YOUR SAFETY I'VE BEEN TESTING THE STRENGTH OF SOME OF @GEORGESOROS PATENTED MIND-CONTROL MARIJUANA

I'M MORE THAN A MAN'S MAN. I'M A MAN'S MAN'S MAN.

I'M NOT GONNA ROLL OVER FOR BIG YOGURT, THE ILLUMI-CHOBANI, WORKING TO UNDERMINE THE LIBERTY OF THE AMERICAN MANSCAPE!

POOPING IS A CHOICE!

DEAR BRAINFIGHTERS, I HAVE SOME APOLOGIES TO ISSUE TONIGHT...

MY APOLOGIES TO FRUIT BY THE FOOT.

STAY STRONG, JESUS.

ACTOR JEFF GOLDBLUM IS NOT A ROBOT CONTROLLED BY ISLAMIC FIELD MICE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE RELIGION OF THESE FIELD MICE IS.

THE CHICAGO BULLS DO NOT SPEND THEIR FREE TIME SLAM DUNKING NEWBORN BABIES INTO VACCINATION MACHINES.

JERGENS HAS A LISTENING DEVICE NESTLED IN ITS DELIVERY PUMP! THE ONLY WAY TO DESTROY IT IS WITH YOUR OWN STOMACH ENZYMES!

MY ANUS AN IMPENETRABLE DIAMOND FORTRESS! LIKE THE REAL FORT KNOX. THE ONE ON MARS!

OKAY GOOGLE HOME, WHAT KIND OF LISTENING DEVICES DID THE C-I-A HIDE IN THIS INNOCENT-LOOKING LITTLE PACKAGE?

ARE THE AQUATIC SOLDIERS OF THE ILLUMINATI, AND FISH FOOD IS THE ONLY PROTEIN SOURCE NOT LACED WITH MIND-CONTROL ESTROGEN.

WHO CONTROLS YOU, BILLY? YOU'D BETTER SPILL IT. I ATE TICKLE ME ELMO, AND I'LL DO THE SAME TO YOU!

BY THE WAY, I HAPPEN TO HAVE ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S SHOES RIGHT HERE, OKAY. LOOK AT THAT. MMM, YOU CAN SMELL THAT MAGA.

A POISONED YOOHOO! OKAY. YOOHOO - THE ARABIC WORD FOR "NOT AS CHOCOLATEY AS YOU WERE HOPING."

YEAH THIS ONE IS SAFE. BUT JUST TO BE SURE, DON'T PUT THE LIQUID IN YOUR MOUTH, OKAY. YOU WANT TO APPLY THAT TOPICALLY.