The problem with finding love on twitter is that you're finding love on twitter

Ever miss a dick so much that you find yourself putting pics of it on milk cartons at Wal-Mart?

If I sway back and forth in front of the mirror, I can occassionally see a glimpse of a girl who used to be happy

Karma must be selective and I've yet to receive a rose

I’ve decided to turn over all of my life decisions to the horoscope app.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Teams meetings are lifes way of telling us to say yes to drugs

People think I'm a good mom, but planned parenthood had too many bat shit crazy protesters, and ew people.

Been there, tweeted that

Just think, if British people could fight we’d all have work tomorrow.

The best part of being a bonus mom is knowing none of my DNA is attached when they make stupid choices