Her: He’s probably out there cheating. Me and The Boys at 3AM:

Guys who abandon there kids are just self aware, they know they’re a piece of shit and don’t want the kid to grow up around them.

2023: This year it’s just Me and xx69xGloriaxxUCKS😻😘😉, who liked my Instagram story, against the World.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled is convincing the world Panera Bread is worth the money.

How we should ALL be spending our snow day!

I’m not living paycheck to paycheck, I’m living one accumulated PTO day to the next.

Ray Rice after getting the script for the 2014 season.

Nothing ruins drunk driving more than seeing a ribbon tied to a tree.

What they say is 10 miles west of boston versus what actually is…

Me in church tomorrow after seeing this picture.

Me: Can I get a Mexican coke with that? Cashier: It was bottled in America, asshole.

“Bro Rome wasn’t built in a day” It also didn’t fall in a day, so maybe your just slowly crumbling.

They woulda blended in at a Waffle House

Unpopular Opinion: The new AI Drake song does not show how impressive AI is, it shows how unimpressive Drake is.

ANNOUNCEMENT!! Proud to say after 4 at fault collisions, 3 license suspensions, 4 driver retraining classes, and over 10 hours spent on DMV customer service, I am no longer a free agent and have been picked up by GEICO insurance. Thank you all for the support.

When I’m at Whole Foods I am both Robinhood and the poor that Robin Hood steals for.

Fuck your money GEICO

Remember that when you tell your republican uncle that he will die alone and his kids don’t love him at dinner because he said he’s voting for Trump, you didn’t do it for you, you did it for the greater good, you are a hero.

Not everything that was funny in middle school is funny now. Like yelling “present” when your name is called, it doesn’t hit as hard at the abortion clinic.