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Oh, your child is sick today? Don't forget to update your Facebook every time they sneeze or cough.

Oh, 50+ likes on your profile picture? I'm sure you were well dressed.

Oh, you have big boobs and everyone likes you? It must be your shining personality.

You should be nice to nerds. They can hack your Facebook and tell everyone you�re gay.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one..what's your plan?

Last night hot words flew between us. She threw alphabet soup in my face.

I'm amazed at how quickly I forget what I'm doing.

Oh, you shoplift? How does it feel being that much of a thug?

All I really want is to be understood. That's why I'm yelling.

It's weird to think that before Twitter all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.

Oh you have an exam you're not ready for. I'm sure posting 20 status updates about it will help you prepare.

Oh, please continue to chew with your mouth open, I love the sound of food being turned to mush.

Today I bought cupcakes without sprinkles. Diets are hard.

A bond between brothers is NOTHING like a bond between sisters.. and every war movie or sports movie will prove that.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Oh, she liked your Facebook status? She obviously wants your dick.

Oh, so you're telling the guy in the library to shut up as your Facebook status? You sure showed him.

Haahahahahahahahabonerhaha!!! RT if you didnt notice it said 'boner' in the middle.

Husband: 'I was a fool when I married you.' Wife: 'I know, but I was in love and didn't notice.'