I’m not ready 😭

If my robot friend doesn’t look like Johnny 5, I don’t want it.

Welp… haven’t been this mad at a final season since Game of Thrones…

If you have ever commented "Who cares?" on any article in the history of time, delete me from your life immediately.

Me, patiently waiting for 50 Cent to arrive on Twitter

Me at the smallest inconvenience: “I don’t think MomTok is going to survive this.”

The amount of people that don't know that online publications use "Kate Middleton" as opposed to "Catherine, Princess of Wales" because THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE GOOGLE is honestly astonishing. Stay mad, I guess

Why did they word this like people should be scared?

Take a drink every time Leo talks about his finances

The most unbelievable part of Signs is that Mel Gibson had the ingredients to cook a bacon cheeseburger, French toast, mashed potatoes, spaghetti and chicken teriyaki just IN his house on hand

I gave Noodle my very best rendition of Taylor’s “Exile,” and she started shaking and rolled over like she does when we go to the vet 🫠

Mood

Words I never imagined I’d be able to say in this order: “America’s president pretended to give a mic a blowjob last week.”

You know, if I was Kevin, I’d wish my family away too if they treated me like that

I wonder how often my neighbors hear me say things to my dogs like, “Noodle! What’d I just say?!” and “We talked about this!”

Virgil logging in this morning: 👁️👄👁️

The amount of below average-looking men applauding the people who booed Taylor at the Super Bowl is… exactly what I expected. Zero surprises there.

q-tip box: DO NOT PUT Q-TIP IN YOUR EAR!!! me, moments before fucking up my ear: glad they said that. that’s an important warning for other people that don’t have my special q-tip technique

I wish Ben Affleck knew how hard I try to find pictures of him where he doesn’t look like he hates life to use in articles I’m assigned.

Let’s goooooooo!!!