I put my pants on just like everyone else; mid-backflip, singing a Miley Cyrus song.

If you’re the type of person who walks past a host stand, unattended or not, I dislike you based on that alone. You are not a good person at your core.

I’m just a fella, sitting in a bar, listening to a younger-than- I couple on a date next to me debate Billy Madison vs Happy Gilmore the way I used to reference Caddyshack vs Meatballs (or Stripes, depending on my mood). The cycle continues. I feel all of my years.

Update:They’ve moved on to referencing Metallica albums with the same reverence I usually reserve for The Beatles and Coltrane. We’ll see how this plays out but I have some thoughts. And as I type this they’re making out & he says “I’m married”. Me? I’m switching to Bud Heavy

Holy hell. “I just guess I need to let some things go and stop being a perfectionist, even in bed” “I mean, I’m writing a drug movie but I’m not a drug guy and it’s not about drugs but it’s about the lead actress whose incredible, I hope that doesn’t intimidate you”

Also. He just offered her an AP cred and I realized I I’ve a very old blogspot attached to my Twitter.

Oh, sweet lord. Just went through my old blogspot post from a decade ago and I’m still bad at grammar but that was atrocious and I can’t figure out how to log in to adjust. Also, couple just put on “Who Let The Dogs Out”. Twice. They’ll probably have a kid. Good.

Do you ever just wish you kept emergency Pringle’s in the house?

No. I do not need to come check out your DJ set.

Classes I will never teach: Conflict Resolution.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but, there is no such thing as a boneless wing. Those are chicken nuggets. And that’s okay, just own it and drop your insecurities. In the meantime I’ll be over here in the corner with a pitcher of beer and real wings, you loser.

Once again americanair has failed. Forced to check a carry-on bag before boarding a connector, despite me stowing it on the previous AA flight and explaining it had prescribed medicine. I was also not allowed to remove the medicine. Then, I board and see this. Cool.

I’m sick of A) Being prompted to tip 7-11 employees B) Being unable to tip flight attendants.

No one ever complains about a functional “workahaolic”

Let me be clear, youths, no, I don’t know how anything works.

I need to be Jason Boune’d. Not to, like, speak multiple languages, disrupt a government, perform espionage, but mainly just to be a functional adult. Where do I sign up for that?

No one listening to “Blood on the Tracks” is doing okay.

My new rap name is “Tokyo Drift”. Deal with it.

How come no one blasting tunes from a usb speaker in public is ever playing Beethoven, or Coltrane, or Dylan, or Puccini, or Johnson? They also never be seem to be dressed for work? Or am I applying for the wrong jobs?

If you use FaceTime in public not only can we not be friends but I’ve taken a picture and stolen a piece of your hair. It’s my understanding the dolls work best when the Voodoo Queen has those to work from