Given that tickling yourself doesn't work the same as someone else tickling you, we really got lucky with masturbation.

"It wasn't me! It’s fake news! It’s a hoax! It’s Obama! It’s Biden! It’s Hillary! It’s Comey! It’s Newsom! Look over there - don’t look at me! It wasn't me!"

I really need to get into shape. Today I realized that if I got murdered, my chalk outline would be a circle.

Looking for a job? Remember, no one can prove that you weren't a regional manager for Blockbuster, Radio Shack, or Toys'R'Us!

It costs $0.00 to cut someone out of your life . . . and I love free shit.

I try to be a good person, but then someone pulls out in front of me doing ten below the speed limit and I gotta try again tomorrow.

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I'm just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you're desperate.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Cooking would be a lot easier if I had a chef.

Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "Skip Intro" when they start talking to you.

To all the people that always said I'd never amount to anything because of my procrastination: Just you wait.

The Toronto Blue Jays sent us a care package and wanted us to give away one to a Gate 14 fan. We will be picking one person who likes this tweet 🫡 #Wantitall

Proud to say my wife really spoils me. I married her for her personality, and she has thrown in 5 more for free. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to experience them all in one day.

I'M IN TROUBLE IF MY BOSS EVER FINDS OUT I DON'T REALLY HAVE TOURETTE'S

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is on an INSANE run this #Postseason 🔥 Repost and reply for a chance to win this Topps card!

I can’t help it that my sexy dial goes all the way up to 11 …it’s stuck at four, but it goes to 11

Afraid of not getting what you ordered with online shopping? Try online dating!

Cop: So, I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane. Me: You're going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

We're only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven't yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history. Or at least I am.

My girlfriend and I love to play hide-n-seek. She's been hiding for 10,922 days straight. She's so silly.