How do you call a meerkat? C'meerkat.

The "p" in "pterodactyl" nervously takes the witness stand, the other letters make the slit throat motion from back; the "p" remains silent

There’s a big difference btw knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is something you can glean by Googling. Wisdom comes from Googling for years.

ME: i'd like to get rid of all this PERSONAL TRAINER: you're just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body ME: and my head

I just wish experience could be gauged in a base unit other than rodeo attendance.

[yelling at ant farm] THIS IS BULLSHIT GROW SOMETHING ALREADY, FUCK.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans. "Just throw it all in a lake somewhere," says one long-billed scientist

[in the insect dissection room] Your fly is open.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where? WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

"Maybe I've had enough coffee," I say as I rearrange the furniture.

Pretty sure his ear touched my shoe. Almost died from cuteness. Duke Lemur Center

Customer Service: if you have a pen, I can go ahead and give you your confirmation number Me: *pretending to have a pen* ok ready

What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

Busy trying to figure out how to dry my clothes in a foreign country. Be back soon.