Why is it so hard for some of you to retweet things? Do you have the free version of Twitter where you can only do two retweets a day?

Last night I was picking up Imodium for my poor sick dog Cleo and I decided to grab a bag of Takis as well. As I was checking out i realized it looked like I was just diligently planning out my night.

What's the best song that's NOT about drugs?

Comedian: how do I get booked at your club? Me: Please send your headshot, bio, and video link to [email protected] . Let us know if you are interested in guest spots, hosting, featuring or headlining. Comedian: (no headshot, no video, no bio) headlining.

35 people at the open mic tonight. Only 6 on the list. Good times.

Alright Josh Gondelman what did you learn today?

The richer Adam Sandler gets the bigger his basketball shorts become and the more powerful he grows.

Guy: Comedy must be hard now that you can't make fun of anyone anymore, right? Me: Not true, I made fun of some guys belt last night. Guy: ... Me: ... Guy: ... I mean like ethnicity.. Me: OHHHH I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT.

Pretty crazy that Andrew Cuomo just got passed at The Comedy Cellar.

Things this baby would like to do: Pull the dogs tail Put her mouth on the cable outlet Yell at me Pull every book of the book shelf Let me read none of them to her Yell at me Eat the dogs food Throw her food Yell at me Put the door stop spring in her mouth Pull the dogs tail

Reading a thread where half the people on the internet are unfamiliar with PEMDAS is extremely my shit.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first failed marriage and I just can't wait for the Facebook memories from that tragic wedding.

Wake me up when there's a crêpe challenge. I still might fall halfway through but I will do so with a smile on my face.

The Morning Show is like 30 Rock meets Game of Thrones.

Of course as soon as my wife goes away for a weekend I am immediately met with temptation.

I will never understand people that see you walking along the sidewalk with a baby and think "No, I cannot wait until this baby passes me to light up this cigarette."

Oof, the heart burns for this.

First time seeing American Aquarium live. Killer set. #rhythmandroots #statestreet #bristolva

Nightmare fuel

Saw a couple so ugly getting a caricature drawn that the artist actually made then look better!