Apparently this tweet was also not for us to read

Forensic scientists using AI have released an image of what The Rizzler will look like at age 30.

I have it on good authority that an Indian recently applied for an executive position but a white guy was hired instead

I really do think it’s interesting that to all appearances Trump and Obama seem to get along together well. The “he’s among the worst fascists in history” thing really is just a cynical political ploy to Barack, isn’t it?

Zoomers rushing to download a Chinese state media app called "The Little Red Book" to show they're not gonna fall for state propaganda is something even we at The Babylon Bee couldn't have come up with

To add my own spin to this, haven't seen anyone point out that the quoted passage begins "Physical education should", and the (obvious) correct answer begins "Physical education should". That would be your hint.

I’m happy to announce that by the end of 2024 I finally achieved FU money. 10 full days of rolled over PTO, the max allowed at my company. That’s a FULL PAYCHECK if I get fired. FU boss!

Octavian always knew he was going to have to deal with Antony.

BRAKING: Trump and China agree to new owner of TikTok.

All the formerly great Western European nations have been paralysed by the guilt of their own histories. They know they need to transform into the kind of nation that can act decisively, but are terrified of what that looks like.

MASSIVE news: Target is ending many of their woke policies. I can now exclusively tell you what’s changing and how it happened. Recently executives Target found out I was doing a story on wokeness there. When we learned they were prepared to make changes, we shifted our focus

omg why is the price of Canadian bacon suddenly skyrocketing?

USAID is not wasteful

The good guys won, and the market is responding

Thank the Lord that America has freedom of speech!

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Coach Three Year Letterman, here’s my email of what I accomplished last week: - Did Oklahoma drills in the parking lot from 6am to 9am - Ran gassers until the sun burned to charcoal - Took the Notary Public certification test (failed again) - Washed and waxed my fully loaded 1998

How did we go from Trump going to start WWWIII to now being mad that Trump isn’t going to start WWIII…

Made $5000 in one day of trading. You can believe it’s just Trump postponing tariffs or you can be smart and follow me for semiannual financial advice.