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Samuel begged me to blow up this shark today. It took me 20 minutes and I almost passed out three different times. When I finally finished he said, “Daddy, sharks are not blue, they’re gray. I think I want the slip n’ slide instead.” I hate him.

I haven’t tweeted much lately because I have 3 kids under four years old in my house and I’ve been planning my escape from this prison they call home.

I fixed our leaky shower today. I told Catherine she’s lucky she married a handyman. She rolled her eyes. I said, “And if you’re lucky, maybe I’ll be a handsyman tonight.” With a disgusted look, she replied, “Touch me and die!” Marriage is a blessing y’all!

If staying at home has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t want any more kids. In fact, it’s taught me I don’t want the kids I have.

Thank you to all the moms out there! I’m not sure I’d even be alive without mine.

The little guy gets pretty close to eating the Skittles, and it's so funny! To watch: buff.ly/3cBc2tZ #CandyChallenge Sean Lowe

Same. My dad sells insurance for State Farm. You should have seen him in his prime.

Without question, my favorite magazine cover ever.

You know how kids can show you glimpses of their intellect at a young age? Well, my eldest has walked into the same glass sliding door twice today.

There’s an older Korean lady who owns a donut shop down the street from us who tells all the kids who come into her store that she loves them, and that’s the kind of energy we all need in 2020.

Thinking about ending my twitter hiatus to roast myself tonight on the Bachelor recap episode. Seems only fair after roasting others for years.

Watching this with Catherine. Please say a prayer for me.

This kiss thing was really awkward but not as awkward as watching it with my wife right now.

So far I haven’t been stabbed by Catherine. Couldn’t be going better!

I fell for it. But!!!! I’m a dumb man so that explains it.

Apparently, “It was seven years ago,” is not a valid defense in my house and I’m still an idiot.

I’m starting to think this Catherine girl has a chance.

It’s football season! Brainwashing my kids to be Wildcats like their old man, and super excited about the Fan Zone that Cox created so the whole family can join in on the game day fun. Say “Fan Zone” in your remote to check it out. #EMAW #CoxPartner #ad