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One person saying to me you make my day makes my day

I borrow money from pessimists they don't expect it back

wife,Julia loves my tweets,now you know why I love her

My conscience is what hurts when all my other parts feel so good

I have not spoken to my wife for 6 months.I don't like to interrupt her

If I can smile when things go wrong I have someone in mind to blame

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.unless you are sleeping watching TV

Four out of five people suffer from diarrhea.does that mean one enjoys it?

Sometimes the first step towards forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot

important what to say at my funeral"look he is moving"

Opposites attract that's the trouble with being awesome.

When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.now it's like a mini vacation.

Whenever I watch tv and see those poor starving kids all over the world. I mean I would love to be skinny like that

Do not worry about old age it doesn't last

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors,eat out

Me

W

I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy.

Maddy's Bat Mitzvah Sneak Peeks! - Photography by Brandi Hill brandihill.com/Events/Bat-Mit…