Anxiety is nothing more than your own conspiracy theories about yourself.

It’s so easy to fall asleep on a sofa until you really want to fall asleep on a sofa,

Vandal sentenced to 11 months probation and $1400 fine for damaging a Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses in Izhevsk, Russia last year: jw-russia.org/news/18111222-… #jwrussia #StopJWBan

SparklyAnne is due home at 5:00 and that’s when we begin our daily passive aggressive battle about which one of us has the most reasons to be tired.

I had a beard once. It didn’t matter. I realized that people with beards are just people without beards, but with beards.

When my wife gets me upset I look at her through a fork and pretend she’s in jail. It helps for awhile. The dishwasher spoils everything.

Me: “Hey, I’m building a time machine.” SparklyAnne: *eating last piece of chocolate cake* “What’ll you use it for, honey?” Me: *eating last piece of chocolate cake* “Righting all the wrongs in the world.” 😉

Me: My wife sent me a text message and a photo while shopping at the Mall and trying on dresses. Wife: “Does this dress make me look fat?” Me: I typed in ‘Noooo’. iPhone’s autocorrect took over and changed it to ‘Moooo.’ Anybody got a place I can crash for a couple of days?

Me: “Hey, SparklyAnne! Do you want a Rit?” SparklyAnne: “A what?” Me: “A Rit.” *holding up a single Ritz cracker*

Pasta at Macaroni Grill is just a convoluted delivery system so SparklyAnne can eat half a pound of Parmesan cheese.

One of my fondest memories from childhood is thinking that $5 was a lot of money. Have you seen the prices at McDonald’s?

Occasionally, my wife and I just start dancing; kitchen, bedroom, living room. We don’t even need music because the sound of our joints popping and cracking had its own beat and melody. I’m the beat. She’s the melody.

Feeling worse. Decided to binge nap.

My wife told me she hides all the snacks from me so she can put them out whenever guests come over to visit— if you were wondering why I invited all of you here tonight.

I convinced our grandkids that Dark Chocolate Oreos are spicy hot and will burn their tongues. There’s gotta be an award for that.

Sometimes I mess with SparklyAnne and hide her stuff where she can’t find it. I put her glasses on the table, her phone in the table, her keys on the table. And help her look.

Kind Words — The Last Update On Our Favorite Mac User | Mac360 mac360.com/2020/02/why-we…

Some people won’t shake hands because of the Coronavirus. I won’t shake hands because everyone seems to be out of toilet paper.

Working on a chronology of my two-year ongoing battle with ALS. About halfway. More to com...

Has anybody checked to see if cows really have four stomachs? Four? Really? If I was a cow I would say that just to get more food.