I bought a tangerine today, and was disappointed to discover that one twelfth of it had been removed. My rage at this injustice was mitigated by seeking solace in the philosophical writings of Segment Fraud.

My pet goat is incapable of multitasking during the birthing season. Only kidding.

I went to the most overpriced exhibition ever at my local art gallery this morning: “Torsos of the Impressionists”. Artefact 1 was the worst. A complete waist of Monet. #crappuns

I was sorry to see that many famous musicians were prohibited from taking part in the recent London Marathon. Most of them were excluded before the race began; Paul McCartney somehow managed to start but was banned on the run. #crappuns

Our neighbours have put their house on the market. I’ve never seen such an enormous crane, and the stallholders are furious.

The bloke next door now sleeps under a synthetic duvet, which causes him to shout and scream all bloody night. I’ve asked him to keep it down.

Flashback to 1972 and a class photo from St. Godric's Durham. We were 6-7 years old. Happy times. The old school building in Castle Chare, Durham, is now a block of swanky apartments 😕.

Is Antoine Griezmann morphing into David Platt from Coronation Street? #euro2004 #CoronationStreet #lookalike

🎶 “Four a.m. in the morning … carried away by a needless tautology” 🎶

I was queuing up at the till in Mothercare yesterday when an impromptu game of football broke out. I joined in and tried to get the ball off a shop assistant, but she sold me a dummy.

My mate qualified as a tailor and set up an enterprise making trousers. He’s achieved success very quickly. The company has made great strides.

Hats off to the Dutch Olympic team selectors for ensuring that every single athlete they’ve chosen (at least according to the back of their shirts) is called Ned. This makes life immeasurably easier for commentators. A simple act of courtesy goes a long way.

Huge indignation and anger are anticipated at the announcement that American bands are now required to declare how they will travel to their next gig. Sparks will fly.

I walked to the ring road yesterday morning carrying a whip. I set off early as I wanted to beat the traffic.

We had a flood in our basement this morning. The only good thing was that I was able to flog the resultant liquid to Superdrug as My Cellar Water.

I’ve suffered with vertigo for a long time now. The other day it got so bad that I decided to buy some medication on Amazon. At the checkout I was asked if I wanted to use my balance. Insensitive bastards.

God bless the twice-yearly #authorroyaltiesday. Today I can afford not only a coffee but a muffin, too. Continued thanks to my various publishers, but more importantly to my loyal readership (aka Auntie Sinéad).

Just spent an enjoyable weekend filming a batch of interviews with Olga from the mighty The Toy Dolls. Great fun.

It’s very difficult these days to find a Franciscan monk under 6’5” in height. It’s a tall order.