My toddler just called his pez dispenser a treat machine

Friendly reminders are in fact the least friendly way to remind someone of something

People keep suggesting new shows for me as if my children don’t leave me with nothing but the capacity to watch the inside of my own eyelids by the end of the day

I thought Ted Lasso was a chain restaurant

Netflix stopped giving me suggested shows which is honestly fine with me

I like to blame my toddler for my phone storage being full but it’s me I’m the problem the problem is me

It’s a real shame that I was blessed with impeccable taste and no trust fund

But what happens if I don’t do it twice? - My 4yo telling me he’s definitely not going to do the thing I asked him to do

Absolutely no one can prepare you for the first time you get to cuddle up with your kid and watch a movie from start to finish in bed

Sure I meditate I say wiping Oreo crumbs off my face after a solid 10 minutes of disassociating from my family in my bathroom

It seems like everybody else is on a vacation because everybody is on a vacation but me

Sure screen time is great but in my day we had to dress up as solicitors and prank our neighbors for fun

I just went to Panera and ordered a “bakey turkey bravo” so the days all up from here

I just want the same confidence as the shell station that claims to have the best burgers in town

When you really just need to cry but you’re on an SSRI so you need to make yourself more sad in order to bust down the wall of tears but once it’s open you can’t shut it for like 3 days

Husband: I just had deja vu 4: who is DJ vu?

Panera literally offers you a side of bread to go with your sandwich that’s made on a loaf of bread and I really love that kind of encouragement

Constantly being the last one to do literally anything is not something I wanted to have to get used to

Me: I can only do one thing at a time 4: Than why do you have two hands?

I hate that it’s not normal to be like “I LOVE STAYING HOME WITH MY KIDS” somewhere along the lines it was only okay to be proud and receive praise if you brought money into the home and we need to take back some power