Getting my long, messy hair cut and am genuinely sad about it.

My iPhone spell-corrects "hacky" to "backyard." So now you know what it means when someone calls you a backyard comic.

Starting now, all of your status updates/tweets will be judged for originality. Ready, go. There, I fixed social media. You’re welcome.

I'll bet the first person to put together the words "turkey jerky" was pretty damned proud of himself.

Look what I just wrote!

Beer vs. sit-ups. Beer always wins. Stop wasting time on sit-ups.

If someone tells you to try to understand he’s a magic man, don’t be fooled just because he says “try” three times. It’s a lazy argument.

After each episode of House of Cards, try watching an episode of Veep. It’s like TV Tums. Makes everything feel okay again.

I forgot to bring my phone to the men’s room, so I had to memorize this thought, then tweet it later. Like the cavemen did.

Did you know if you pour salt on an iPhone someone will read your tweet and feel like an idiot.

60 and rainy in San Diego. Guess that's still better than 6 and snowy in Boston.

I will not be live tweeting during the Oscars. You're welcome.

Why is Jimmy Kimmel sitting three feet higher than Kevin Spacey? It's like an SNL skit.

Best part about trip to San Diego (so far): Rocky and Rocky II on AMC while Sara's doing conference stuff!

I let people at work think I’m hung over every morning. Because alcoholism is more interesting than insomnia.

Eight-and-a-half months after the girlfriend moves in with you is the official amount of time it takes to go up one pants size.

A celebrity took the “Which Insignificant Person Are You?” quiz and got you. He’s not posting the results.

Writer + Mortgage - Soul = Content Strategist

No pain. No old.

Everyone is very upset that there's no smoked salmon at the Mother's Day Forsgate Country Club brunch. Vote for Romney in 2016.