The drinking helps until it doesn’t.

The more people you get intimate with the less people you're allowed to talk to.

You're not allowed to die until I have finished speaking.

When choosing between two women you have wronged, pick the one that doesn't want you back. She is the stronger one.

You have the right to say what you would like. You do not, however, have the right to be heard.

Children need to know what it is to be a loser. They need to learn to lose and be broken in by failure.

It was Sunday, and when I became good and drunk I made love, and when the love-making sobered me up I began to drink again.

It is not a bad drug if the drug makes you dance.

It is only cheating if she wears make up.

When the children couldn't sleep we gave them warm milk, and when the children wouldn't sleep we gave them boiling milk.

I liken my life to having a belly full of corn flakes. I'm feeling full but there is no real nutritional value to any of it.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it obviously couldn't find anything better to do.

He was a marriage therapist who moonlighted as a divorce mediator. He was the first and last resort.

I was twenty four and she was twenty three and I already could not handle the sounds she made when she ate. It would not last the summer.

I know I have the ability to lead a peaceful life, but I just have too many living relatives.

And who's to say what penis you'll be stuck with in the next life.

My mother brought home a dog for me when I was young to help my depression. When my depression started to break, she gave the dog away.

Young bastards are future old bastards.

You don't need to stuff ballots when you can manipulate minds.

A moment is only about as long as a horrified gasp.