Dating apps aren’t working for me, so I’m just gonna hang around movie theaters and ask boys to explain Dune to me

Me: my tweet got 5 likes My mom:

I hate the term ghosting. I prefer rejection by omission.

Getting ghosted is fun because you get to ask yourself “what did I do wrong” and you will never find out

Me writing an aggressive little joke about a man I went on one (1) date with

Jealous that rejection from men inspires Taylor Swift to create art. Rejection just inspires me to sit on the couch and cry.

you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

In my twenties I was insecure, poor and depressed. Now I’m in my thirties and still insecure and poor, but I’ve discovered Wellbutrin.

I think girls become real New Yorkers when we choose to sit on the subway in mini skirts

Finally asking for what I want

I didn’t watch the debate - it’s too early for spooky season

When I cancel a date: reasonable, acceptable, fair When a man cancels a date: a literal hate crime

I think the girlies were made for Survivor because we’re always dehydrated and eat a handful of nuts a pb&j and call it “dinner”

I love how my dog crosses her little front paws like she’s such a lady, meanwhile she just downed a huge piece of old salami she found in the street

My dad called me today to let me know 20% of ppl with mental illness end up in jail at some point. Cool, cool, cool

Well, well, well - looks like spelling bee can’t find it either

Donald Trump is rocking my grandma’s haircut rn

Not Venezuela on STEROIDS?!?!

Nothing like having a plan for a plan to make a difference

Democrats rn: Kamala ATE Republicans rn: Kamala ATE* *your cat