Things my cat thinks are toys: straw wrappers, plastic bags, nail files, throw pillows, hair ties, clean laundry, shoelaces, toilet paper, cardboard Things my cat doesn't think are toys: every cat toy that's ever existed

Me: I'm totally normal Also me: how many pictures of cats do you think I can put in my notes before it's weird? #TeacherLife

Me: can you explain why my rescue inhaler is being declined? Prescription plan: well, your nebulizer and inhaler do the same thing Me (in my head): right. Because you see people stop in the middle of the sidewalk all the time to plug in their neb to do a 20 minute treatment

Every year, I do an activity with my students where they get to design our Google Classroom banner and this year, one of my Geometry classes decided to make the theme Ryan Reynolds appreciation. Every student in my class picked a different picture or meme. I can't stop laughing

I'm babysitting my 1 1/2 year old nephew, and I learned a few things about the baby monitor: 1. The battery doesn't last all night 2. It rings like a doorbell if the battery's low 3. It doesn't care if it's 3am. It will ring and ring and ring 4. Shushing doesn't stop the ringing

Does anyone else find themselves punctuating out loud and saying things like "You don't have to do this semi-colon however comma I really recommend it"? Asking for a friend. *cough* me *cough*

Me when someone's driving slower than me: Okay Ms. Daisy. Let's pick up the speed. Me when someone speeds by me: Where's the fire? I literally have no in between

Anyone at all: *asks a question* Me: sorry, what was that? I was too busy having an argument in my head

ya'll, in the middle of class today, one of my students randomly said, "do you ever think about how the Black Eye Peas can sing us a tune but chickpeas can only hummus one" I have not laughed that hard in way too long. we ended up taking a pun brain break. i have no regrets

A group of lemurs is called a conspiracy, and I think that's lowkey amazing #WorldLemurDay

It's November 2nd which means it's time for my annual responsibility to remind everyone that 90 years ago today, Australia went to war against the emus, and the emus would eventually win. This will never not be my favorite historical fact. #TheEmuWar

Me: *speaks* My anxiety: well, that was bad Me: how bad? My anxiety: definitely never speak again Also my anxiety: but if you never speak again, they're never going to want to be around you again Also my anxiety: no matter what, you're screwed. *cackles* good luck

No one prepared me for how judgey and sassy four-year-olds are. I'm babysitting my nephew, and he's sitting here giving me a full culinary critique of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I made him for Iunch. My favorite: "it could have looked better" 🤣 #AuntLife

Sometimes I think I know everything there is to know about my main character. Then they go ahead and do something I'm not ready for and I realize I'm only cracking the surface with them

Maybe it's me, but I think if you know you're habitually late for stuff, you can't be upset if people choose to drive themselves places so they can be on time

I was in the hospital in September because of my asthma, and I've been fighting with my insurance because they keep denying my claim. An insurance rep just asked me, "did you really need to stay that long?" Like... what? Does she think I was having so much fun, I asked to stay?

I just want a car that will defrost my windshield and my hands at the same time. Is that too much to ask for?

Nothing like a super detailed cookie recipe. I know exactly what I'm supposed to do. Anyone know what a "moderate oven" is? 🤣🤣

Therapist: So, this week you're gonna practice saying no to someone, right? Me: No. Therapist: *stares* Bless her for putting up with me

Mom: newer Disney movies have gotten scary, haven’t they? Me: *stares* Mom: what? Me: *plays Pink Elephants on Parade from Dumbo* Mom: that’s so creepy! What are you watching? Me: the Disney I watched as a CHILD Mom: it’s supposed to be about a flying elephant!! 🤣🤣