Coast should make a transparent bar of soap so they can advertise that the coast is clear.

It’s that time of year when the people doing local newscasts look like they probably have a big chemistry test looming.

I think Dunkin' should give away free “doink in” donuts in the D.C. area tomorrow. #WASvsTB

I was disappointed my favorite cast had very little active presence in the #SNL50 tonight. I will excuse Phil and Jan. #SNL

Brad Hall and Julia Louis-Dreyfus have defeated aging. #SNL50 #SNL

Real customers who appear in commercials for incontinence products do not fully benefit from the advertised discreet delivery.

Shout out to the Cadbury Bunny. Still bocking it in the 2-5. Cadbury UK

Apparently, it has become too arduous to say the whole word “deodorant”.

I appreciate Taylor Swift taking the time to swing by Olan Mills after reclaiming her masters.

Seems like Achilles’ mom could’ve shifted her hand for a minute.

I’d be very surprised if Apl.de.Ap uses the Google Play Store.

I kinda feel bad for the poor little flu wolf.

You didn't see Lefors out there, did you?

Repeat after me: I would like…to feed your fingertips…to the wolverines.

I’m amazed by the number of people that say “hundred” when they mean to say “thousand” for their showcase bids on The Price Is Right. Drew always questions them. I’m guessing the rules say he will question them when that happens. #TPIR

Since Sears is struggling, I think Roebuck needs to come back into the fold.

I don’t know, Carole King, charcoal burning on the grill and a TV in every room sounds pretty good.

BREAKING: (ITALY)—Archaeologists have announced that Rome was, in fact, built in a day.