*walk into club...go outside to smoke... walk into club...go outside to smoke ... walk into club...go outside to smoke ... walk into club...go outside to smoke... walk into........... Me at 5:30am: Holy shit fam top 3 rips I love you all so much

Honestly my moms decision to make make her profile pic and cover foto the same is kind of a sick look

Serious question I just payed an embarrassing amount of money for front row tickets to weezer and the pixies. Are there any TRUE fans on here that wanna pay what they can and go with me???

I’m gonna be living in Tacoma for a brief period, eager to impart my enlightened Seattle wisdom upon the unlearned and virginal folk that inhabit this humble town.

Ever since I’ve added “#1 Steely Dan fan” to my tinder bio I’ve been able to filter my matches to only Steely Dan fans. Much better app!

Weed was a lot more fun as children when we used to buy 5 sacks and smoke it out of a potato.

A fun thing to do when you’re talking to people from Portland is to keep referring to the city as Portlandia as if you don’t actually know that it’s not called that.

Twitter be like: Yea sex is cool but have you ever tried thanks for listening to my ted has big dick energy.

My basement smells like trash and my housemate woke up and immediately bought a Memos burrito and a Red Bull “Yellow Edition” for breakfast. But yea bro to answer your question tacs been pretty chill cheap rent good to see some old homies.

I think seeing Dave Chappelle smoking a juul is a big win for all of us.

In a textbook rite of passage from boy to man, he has moved on from Quentin Tarantino to Paul Thomas Anderson. He will now be mansplaining his films instead.

Idk if this had already been agreed upon but i was just thinking tablets are like so dumb and unnecessary. Like we all literally have to have a phone and computer and now they got us buying another thing?

Fuck tablets

When Crosby Stills Nash & Young sung that our house has 2 cats in the yard. I felt that.

Helping mom use her phone, a poem:

Alright fr who are these people commenting on porn videos?

There’s been a single empty pbr can in the bathroom for the last 3 years of my life.

Last night I had a dream that I was a woman and I took Hannibal Burress home to meet my parents and tell them we were getting married. My parents didn’t approve but that didn’t matter to me.