My pharmacist forgot my birthday again.

Via our parent company Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder: theonion.com/heres-why-i-de…

Hello! The Onion, with the help of the Sandy Hook families, has purchased InfoWars. We're planning on making a very stupid website. We've retained some Onion and Clickhole Hall of Famers to pull it off. I can't wait to show you what we cooked up. nytimes.com/2024/11/14/bus…

Getting pretty sick of this sleep paralysis demon climbing on top of me every night and never asking me to be his gf.

I would speak out against the removal of the Department of Education, but I don’t want to end up on the Department of Re-Education’s radar.

Well, why are teenagers allowed to be that age, anyway?

Of course. The details would be too arousing for Republicans to handle.

Two happy creatures back in October. Georgia has not let the election affect her mood.

Your honor, my client is innocent because I assume everything is my fault.

If I’m not the most popular person in my camp, I’m joining the fascists.

Maybe now that Dr. Oz is in charge of Medicaid and Medicare, they'll finally start covering the vacuum dust he sells as a supplement.

Not worried about nuclear war because I think I’d look better with three tits.

Is it a red flag if you're dating a serial killer, and he only wants to kill other people?

Has America tried pinning the Constitution to the top of its profile?

Goodbye, cruel, world.  Wait, no! The comma!

I saw The Apprentice in theaters before the election. The woman next to me cried nonstop during the last 20 minutes. Anyway, I bet she’s fine now!

I’d be safer in a frat house than hanging out with the next admin.

Not surprised Trump and his people are assaulting America. It is a pretty young country.

My Dasher’s driving the wrong way with my uranium.