There's no life problem that a good "Fuck this shit" can't solve.

Merry fucking Christmas Eve, all you pathetically lovely motherfuckers!

When two men pass each other and give each other a head nod that’s an entire conversation in less than two seconds.

I'd probably go out more if it wasn't for all the damn peopley people peopleing about

Alexa, clean the house

Remember when Twitter was simple and fun and we got to read witty and funny tweets. Good ole days.

Me: goodnight moon Moon: goodnight goon

Grape soda doesn't even taste like grapes, but it sure as hell tastes like purple.

Today is Tuesday. You’re welcome.

I really racked up the miles on my watch when I retraced my steps to see where I left my sanity.

I’m not overweight. This is my hibernation body I’m working on

I'm so simple that the like button turning into confetti 🎊 makes me giddy

This year has gone by so fast I haven't had time to lose weight

Celebrate NYE, what are you nuts? That would require me staying up past 8 pm. What if I get my midnight kiss now and I'll say Happy New Year to all my friends.

Connections are rare, so dont ignore them!

Never underestimate the healing power of pizza.

Today, I'm going to go all out and get a fine bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill 1985.

That guy who tried to steal my stationary bike didn't get very far.

I don't know if I'm coming or going, but I know I'm in the way.

I don’t go out and do things. That’s just not my style.