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Me: Why didn’t you clean your room? 4-year-old: There was a dragon. Me: 4-year-old: He said your face looks stupid.

Your kid's not an angel. Pretty sure angels don't pee their pants.

I'm not Anti-Social. I'm Pro-Doing Shit on my phone. There are too many of Us. #SolarEclipse

if u have a humongous ass, please refrain from tucking ur shirt in &forcing us to watch the widescreen version "walk to the Vending machine"

My life RTJames Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn: Me: Don’t tell your mom I gave you doughnuts. 2-year-old: *walks up to my wife* We ate doughnuts. It’s a secret.

I want to live in a world where people know the difference between 'acquaintance" and "associate". #ChickenFries

If I have 10 chocolate cakes & someone asks me for 1, how many chocolate cakes do I have left? That's right, 10.

Ahhh Sunday... a day of rest. REST of the laundry, REST of the housework, and REST of all the other crap didn't do yesterday! #PalmSunday

There are two guarantees in life 1. We all will die 2. White people fucking love brunch.

Friday Face

I'm not Anti-Social. I'm Pro-Doing Shit on my Phone

Get a firm grip on reality -- then blow it up. #DragMeDown

Does anyone know the name of that rap song where they talk about weed and b*tches? #SaidNoOneEver

Yi Yi youtube.com/watch?v=UuC-M-… via YouTube

Wi-Fi problems

A woman who seeks to be equal with men lacks ambition

No matter how amazing you are, there will always be an 8 year old Asian who is better

"You can't un-ring that bell" ... You can't un-ring any bell, dipshit

LIVE on #Periscope: flash the caviar pscp.tv/w/ad5isjFKUkVt…

LIVE on #Periscope: try it out pscp.tv/w/ad5i-jFKUkVt…