Goes to self checkout to avoid people. *Scans first item “Assistance needed in self checkout.” Me: Well fuck

I wish muting someone on Twitter came with a “shut up” notification.

Wagon Wednesday starts in my DMs

Am I really horny or am I just bored

Donuts should be free for anyone having a bad day.

I get it, cat... I too want to hide under the bed whenever the door bell rings

Don't eat me. I have children. They're fun size.

hot girls stay up late just to finally have a little peace… a little quiet… a little time where the whole world isn’t touching their energy. 💋

That hour we lost yesterday? That's when I was going to file my taxes.

Why yes, I'm somewhat of a fucking weirdo myself.

I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but the anxiety you feel when the phone rings will always be there.

When people unfollow you and you're left wondering which tweet was the last straw.

Have you tried a bowl of avgolemono soup about it?

I remember when you could go on a date at the movies, get snacks, and it could be less than $20. Now it's approximately $750

Instead of cherry picking through someone’s tweets to ‘like’ specific one’s as if you’re trying to send a message, or start drama, DM and say what you got to say instead of playing games.

I don't always say something stupid. But when I do I keep talking and make it worse

Re-watching my emotional support show and laughing at the same lines I’ve heard 5,627 times.

You remind me of my mom. She also only hugged me when her breath smelled like gin.

I have more conversations with myself than with anyone else.

Oh, you a freak. Let's be friends.