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Me to a friend: I heard you're having Lasik surgery! Want to hear about my experience with it? Him: No, you're just going to troll me. Me: This is a serious medical procedure, I would never do that. H: Oh, ok M: Ok, first I need to warn you about the dinosaurs. Him: Goddamit

Me: you guys want to go for a drink? My friends: I don't know, it's been a while since I drank on a Monday... Me: I know what you mean. It's been at least 6 days since I drank on a Monday.

Me to the coworker who's leaving: I'm really going to miss you :( Coworker: Aww, that's sweet. Me: Yeah, I'll miss you every day when I break something and have no one to blame it on! Coworker:...I fucking knew it.

if i was new and you told me that theres a superhero who's blind and uses echolocation to fight and one who's an adrenaline junkie who flies around using gadgets and that one is called batman and one is called daredevil i would punch you in the face if i found out which was which

Student: I can't fly today either, I'm still hungover. Me: Listen, you're not old enough for 2 day hangovers. That doesn't start until your 30's. S: So u get 2 day hangovers all the time?? Me: No, I drink like a responsible adult. Now I just get headaches from obnoxious students.

'Back in my day, girls lured men to their deaths by singing, not using this auto tune nonsense!' That's nice, Harold.

I just learned that the word for a lady pilot is an aviatrix, and that's the only title I will respond to from now on.

Hey guys! Let's look at our horoscopes!

Helping a fellow nerd out.

Student, pointing at a Very-Important-Button-That-Could-Kill-Us™ in the plane: What's this one do? Me: Gives me anxiety.

Me, checking into a hotel, subtly trying to ask if there's a wifi password: Anything I need to know about the wifi? Front desk lady: That it sucks.

Bartender: What can I get for you? Me: I'd like the blond ale, please. Bartender: Sure, what's your name so I can start your tab? Me: Hope. B: Did you say Cobra? Me: ...close enough. - to her credit, she was new and it was loud.

Just a helpful reminder, my favorite skull colors are red and black 😘

"What's your name?" "Hope" "Oh, well, I 'hope' you're having a good day!" "Hilarious. Thank you."

The day I horribly butchered hors d'oeuvre was the day Everyone Knew.

#IsolationBaking pros and cons: Pro - Delicious treats, house smells amazing. Con - Having to venture out to the store for ingredients - Gonna have to eat the whole thing myself, because I live alone. Thanks, Jamie Schler, for the super delicious recipe for French Apple Cake!

Today's adventure in #IsolationBaking, using another recipe from Jamie Schler, is Feta Spiral Bread Rolls. Mostly. I used Bourbon Gouda instead of Feta, because this is my kitchen, and I do what I want. They're delicious, and I only made a moderate mess of my kitchen!

... evil