mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be podcasters

Shirts are low key wild. Your body goes in 1 hole but then comes out 3 separate holes 😳

My clothes are divided into three categories; Summer Winter In case I lose the weight

Wife: “There are four men attacking my mother in the street! Aren’t you going to help?” Husband: “Why? Four should be enough.”

People say, "Go big or go home," as if going home were a bad thing. Hell, yeah I want to go home. And I'm going to take a nap when I get there.

Drawing is a neat way to learn you don't actually know what anything looks like.

Taco Bell is selling fries. Burger King is selling tacos. KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches. I knew we should never have legalized marijuana. 🤣🤣

There was a joke-telling contest in Germany... Nobody laughed, but it was very well organised.

I fell asleep at the wheel last night. When I woke up, there was clay everywhere...

Just because you can connect to your neighbour's bluetooth speaker and play ghost noises, doesn't mean you should….!

Do you ever wake up and think of the most random idiotic things? Well, I woke up this morning and this was my thought…. If bedbugs are found on beds, who in the hell came up with the word cockroach?

If you're being chased by an animal, lay on the ground for 5 seconds. The 5 second rule will stop it eating you. #NotSorry

I didn’t think I was that old, but then I wrote “#” for “number” and I’m going go sit in my rocking chair and yell at people for making noise now.

I stubbed my toe and got scolded by my parents for yelling, 'What the duck!' They were angry that I used fowl language.

Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer." Now we wait...

The internet is amazing... One minute you're at work, looking at random webpages Next, you're at home looking for a new job

Me: “I have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls” Reporter: “Owls? is it popular?” Me: “Well it’s turning heads”"

Where did Noah keep his fish? In a multi-story carp ark.

I did once have a goldfish but I still prefer Cod and chips.

The doctor said my sugar was too high. When I got home, I moved it to a lower shelf; it's much more accessible now