If Martin decides to do a crypto scam coin pls somebody from his gc let me know early thx

Florida’s getting rid of rainbow crosswalks& libs are recoloring them with chalk cause they know what’ll happen if they try paint, they’re weak now& they know it

Ya know what I bet would be delicious? Moroccan preserved lemons sliced thin, flour, egg wash, panko, deep fried, dipped in some doctored up mayo

When I was a kid Jeb! was gov of Florida& it was pretty understood he married a Mexican for political purposes. But with Vance& Usha it just looks like love

OK sorry but why does England have a variety of flags? Is one of them the old flag or like a Gadson flag or something? Which flag is the “based” flag of England?

We’re gonna help our zoomers get houses they’ll be all right housewise so please work on other ways to radicalize them they still need to be radicalized ya know, overall

BREAKING NEWS: wolf spider on my kitchen floor this morning, caught it with jar& piece of paper, released outside. It has a bunch of babies on its back

Whoa I never thought abt this but its 100% true

If I had even a single point less emotional fortitude I’d be scared of my 6 yr-old

Pulse happened bc of IMMIGRATION not lack of rainbows on the streets of Orlando I can tell u that ANYWAY here’s my Pulse joke: “A Muslim walks into a gay bar and says, ‘shots for everyone!’”

What’s the process if you see a strange mom talking Haitian at your kids’ elementary school, does ICE need more info or is that sufficient?

Back on my BS: feeding a fresh hamster to my daughters’ Rube Goldberg hamster funhouse

Told my 6 yr-old if I catch her torturing one more lizard to death I’m gonna seal her hands in plaster casts& she can subsist off smoothies from a straw

Any time I have to deal with an acquaintance that’s liberal or left leaning at all, I tell them they should look at alternative news sources. When they ask me for one, I give them my X handle and pretend it’s not me.

The 8 yr-old, from my backseat, “I don’t torture lizards mommy, and when she says I can have a turn I still don’t do it”

This latest round of African time discourse leads me to conclude black people who’re always late are the smartest ones

One doesn’t have to imagine him happy.

Nooooo I cannot get long bangs again NO

Just had the absolute delight of calling the cops on a panhandler wearing a Cartman “respect my authority” t-shirt

KEEP IT UP