Saw a sign at a house in the tiny town I moved to that said “voted best yard in town” and it was pretty mid. Making it my mission to beat them next year.

Nobody is doing it like me because this is probably not the right way to do it

I’d give her everything I own

I have the sniffles. The guy taking my order at Dunkin’ Donuts thought I was crying when I ordered, and asked if I was okay when I pulled around to the window. I should have started sobbing. Maybe he would’ve given me a free donut.

The point of having is giving

it’s people dan and philing that have never dan and philed before

i'm cryinggggg, he called phil cute and suddenly NOTHING was funny for dan 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

no need for a halloween costume this year because there’s nothing scarier than being in your mid 20s and not knowing who you are or what you want to do anymore

This is what it feels like to listen to The Smashing Pumpkins

Imagine dedicating your entire life to try to end gay marriage and destroy families? We all have limited time on this planet and this is how you choose to spend it? What a waste.

The bank when I refinanced my car: “we don’t need to keep your title you don’t need to leave that with us :)” The letter I just opened from the bank: “You didn’t leave your title with us like we told you to. We have a gun pointed at your head also.”

"The rich stole all your shit. Don't give em your empathy too"

will the the mayor’s epic f bomb save the day this time?

this is pretty basic counterinsurgency 101 bc they’re still there to prevent resistance against ICE from matching ICE escalation

I insult my father directly

“What are the potatoes and I supposed to do with that information” has now entered my lexicon

i hate when im crying and let out an “oohoohoo” bitch am i stupid?