Eating cashews with a cashew allergy isn’t a problem for me. It’s a problem for future me. Now me is loving these.

If you’re telling me it’s called a banana split because it’s intended to be split with another person, I’m telling you that you’re aggressively mistaken 🍨

Take me to Olive Garden or take me home.

If every fake project I got tagged in was a piece of candy, my dentist would never stop filling cavities.

Fatties #2686 has drank so much coffee that if he wanted, he could punch a hole through the sun. He’s thinking about it too. Oh boy he’s thinking.

Tomorrow is my Olympics and I’m bringing home the gold, baby! 🦃

Get seconds. Go for thirds. Double up on pie. Triple up on Tums. 🦃🥔🥧

If I had a dollar for every vegetable that I let mummify in my vegetable drawer, I’d buy more vegetables to stuff in the exact same drawer to succumb to the exact same fate. Don’t judge me. You do it too.

Fudge around and find out.

Fatties #8669 is a tacocat which spelled backwards is still tacocat. She’s a tacocat in any direction - an absolute anomaly that puts the pal in palindrome.

Velveeta is underrated. Sorry not sorry.

Fatties #1729 still hasn’t started any holiday shopping but isn’t freaking out just yet. She’ll likely be a prime example of “your present is my presence” and frankly I respect that.

gm as in gingerbread man

Only consuming candy canes and gingerbread for the foreseeable future. Yule love that diet too.

Fast food is the carbs you eat before a road race. S’true, it’s in the rule book.

Desserts served in plastic baseball hats for kids after a little league game was only the beginning. I promise not to rest until we’re all eating soup from a Jai alai cesta and nachos off of hockey pads.

It doesn’t matter what the baked good is, the end piece is always the best. The absolute butcher’s prime cut of carb based snacks.

Can you order fajitas without all that extra attention?

Some people have breakfast but I have breakslow. Gonna take all my time on these cinnamon rolls. Gonna maximize appreciation. Gonna have too damn many.

Cinnamon and chili powder look oddly similar. Welcome to the story of the worst cookies ever made.