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Living in California is cool cuz everything has a warning label that says “This may kill you”

Imagine being a grown man who steals bikes. At least steal cars

Olympic ping pong is unrealistic because there aren’t two cars parked next to the table

Steph Curry needs to open a mattress store and have commercials with him saying “I’ve been putting people to sleep for years so I know a thing or two…”

How wild is it they let Prince do a Batman album that is just the funkiest shit. Cuz when u think Batman u think funk

I like when a coffee shop is so cool their cups don’t go beyond 12oz. I go “Oh shit, you guys are on another level.”

Can we agree Fiji water tastes kind of weird but the bottle is square so we forgive it

Subway doing churros

siri steppin' on me with her "mmm hmm" shit

If you are a parent of a child under 3, this is like Pacino and De Niro doing Heat.

Ppl think I’m sticking around after a movie to see the after credits scene but it’s just to eat all the food left behind

The most American solution to gun violence.

Simpsons characters diving through window. 🪟 -a thread

Only aliens and ppl trying to scam u open with “Greetings”

Hollywood Diversity “Opportunities” Catch me on tour!

Why haven’t they figured out a way to get all our nutrition from potato chips

Gen-Z Slang & Bros Sniffing Gay Fahim Works On Stuff Vol. 26.3

DENVER!!! Headlining Comedy Works this Thu-SAT. Roll through

Chappell Roan, Sabrina Carpenter and I got lunch to talk about our meteoric rise because very few ppl can relate to the phenomenon that we have become. #lovemygirlies

if elected president i will build coffee shops inside libraries