me: my poetry is so bad i shouldn’t even bother with this submission opportunity an old white man in the paris review: i want to touch you r female face

Tomorrow me is gonna be very mad at now me who is about to finish the calzone I was saving for tomorrow me

remembering back to school shopping when I had to turn $20 at Target into a new personality

If they can’t cancel student loans can they at least keep extending them until I die

i be like “long story short” then tell the entire story

My new BC is giving me menopausal night sweats and I did NOT sign up for this

Lindsay Lohan’s version of The Parent Trap is the only movie that deserves a 2 hour plus running time.

Hello I’m having mad vertigo and dizziness literally every time I stand up or move so today will be fun

Boys will read the iliad but are afraid to say ily to the lads

dietician has advised me to “eat food and have sex,” which is perhaps the soundest advice i’ve ever received from a health professional

so sorry for my delayed response to this email, i have been working through a global pandemic which people refer to in the past tense now even though it is still definitely happening

what if ghosts can’t see us either and they’re scared as shit cause who the fuck is making pizza bagels at 2 a.m

hosting snl must be like jury duty for celebrities