8-year-old: I don't want to go to Hogwarts anymore. Me: Very mature. Where do you want to go? 8: The Jedi Academy.

Me: Find your shoes. 4-year-old: They're gone forever. Me: Where did you look? 4: Nowhere. Good start.

My kids were fighting over whether an imaginary cake was strawberry or chocolate. I told them to just make two imaginary cakes. They said they didn't have enough ingredients.

Me: Who messed up the curtains? 4-year-old: Brown Doggy. Me: Brown Doggy is a stuffed animal. 4: Yeah. He’s really strong.

4-year-old: I can't find my princess. Me: You're holding a princess. 4: No, my other princess. Me: *hands her a princess* 4: No, my other other princess.

How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel. I must have it. hahah #rt

FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian #rt

Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day. #rt #follow

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

he died doing what he loved, shouting "fuck bears" in the forest

breakfast] 6-year-old: How did you get so good? Me: At what? 6: Eating food. Me: I practice every day.

you can follow me on instagram also. im not 100% sure what im doing with it but Bryancraig1981 is me on insta

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