Rafael Devers is gonna break out of his slump tonight and only strike out twice

I lost my license for 60 days for “misuse of handicapped placard” which I don’t know how I misused it. I hung it from my rear view mirror, there were no obstructions, and the picture clearly shows that I’m Lawrence Crowley a 77 year old man who recently passed away. Bullshit

I broke a bone in my finger and now it won’t straighten out so my mom said to me “you’re gonna have to yank it” and I said you told me 25 years ago if I did that I’d go blind

Go Go Go Go Planet It’s Your Earthday We Gon Party Like It’s Your Earthday We Gon Sip Bacardi Like It’s Your Earthday And Neptune We Don’t Give A Fuck It’s Not Your Earthday!!

This is what answering my T Mobile Sidekick phone looked like in 2009

A woman, holding a Bible, approached me on the train and asked if I would join her at church on Sunday. And I said ma’am premarital sex is a sin and I’d appreciate it if you stopped hitting on me

Every time i’m at an early morning doctors appointment I think to myself “I should slap 6 months ago me thinking I’d all of a sudden be a morning person after 41 years”

I love living in Seattle, Massachusetts

An ESPN crew is filming a segment at Greatest Bar and no matter how many times I remind them they’ve never heard about the time I scored 4 goals against St. Peter Marian in 2006

The bar I work at has no A/C, my Uber driver won’t put on the A/C, I guess I’ll just have to put on Saved by the Bell reruns to get my fix of AC

In honor of Rafael Devers I refuse to go to work and also I refuse to speak English today

This is my pickup line to women with boyfriends

Working from home should be called “spreadsheets from my bedsheets”

Bourne On The Fourth of July

Someone from the Wu Tang Clan pregame asked me if I could bring them a menu and I said I can bring you a menu and I can bring you the muthafuckin ruckus

That was a cold play by the kiss cam cameraman

I was serving a customer before the Linkin Park concert and he ordered a drink from me then turned around and asked all his friends what they wanted to drink and I yelled DONT TURN YOUR BACK ON ME I WONT BE IGNOREDDDD!!

Watching the Little League World Series is so nostalgic for me. It brings back so many memories like when I would strike out and cry, get hit by a pitch and cry, make an error and cry, lose the game and cry. Some really great times.

For my wedding I’m gonna send out Save The Dates and when they don’t reply quick enough I’ll text them and say “did you get my STD? Haven’t heard from you in a while and this is kinda important just wanna know if you got my STD?”

If I was a patron at a restaurant before the Nine Inch Nails concert I would say to my waitress, bow down before the one you serve