You know you're a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.

If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

Having people over for dinner tonight. They asked what they could bring. I said dinner.

Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs. Made of bricks.

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that's coming.

Lady sitting next to me say she has diarrhea. I must have one of those "tell me if you have diarrhea" faces.

If my calves were any bigger, they'd be considered cows.

I don't care what the expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.

My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

Reasons to be a mermaid: 1) No periods. 2) No pants.

2004: fear that people on the internet find me in real life. 2014: fear that real life people find me on the internet.

We have nothing to fear except fear itself and toddlers asking "Why?".

I’'ve had fun before. This isn’'t it.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too surprised.

Dear Fox News I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely Disappointed viewer.

Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

I don't want to sound badass or anything, but I play Wii without the wrist strap on.

Why do little kids have to scream.

My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my ass, I can't.

When I say I miss school, I mean my friends and the fun. Not the studying part.