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We’re so sorry about this MrGordon. You can get an identical taste by licking the rim of a heavily used toilet.

Hi Jelly Tot. We’ve just spoken with Santas workshop and we can confirm delivery will be Christmas Eve/early hours of Christmas Day. That’s if you’ve been good.

So sorry about this Brian LUFC. Sharon assumed that rather large item poking out of your trousers was baguette. You should be proud of that. Quite why you were so “excited” about shopping, we’re not too sure.

Very sorry about this hayley jones. We’ve had to start using cheaper helium because of inflation.

Hi Alan Kemp. Long story with this loaf changing experience. They tried to up the wholesale price because they knead more dough. We said it was too expensive for us to earn a crust. They tried to pitas against other supermarkets. So that’s rye we no longer sell Kingsmill.

Hi 🚨 Incel Alert 🚨. We are so sorry about this. Of all the things happening in the country and the world, when grapes aren’t right, this is the moment we have to act.

Hi Faye Irving. Candles do this. You burn then, they go down. They don’t last forever.

We’re glad to see you go Mr_Taak. You brought bad vibes to our stores. And your constant abuse towards our vertically challenged staff is disgusting. They can reach the top shelves because we give them stepladders.

Hi Chanice🥀🖤. We’ve informed your neighbours that you’re eyeing up their bins. Our delivery drivers are delighted you’ll no longer be demanding they dance for you, for TikTok content.

We totally understand Stewart. Because coop milk doesn’t come from farms does it…..

So sorry about this @armchairdtectiv. Unfortunately £16k a year falls short of our “high roller” programme where we could’ve dispatched emergency croissants. However, we do have sourdough which still allows you to be pretentious.

Put the alcohol down Haria Sile, sober up and try that tweet again in a few hours

Hi Quiet Storm we completely understand your concern. We’ve questioned the driver but we think he’s telling porkies. We've launched an internal investigation, currently led by our warehouse team and a midwife. Thanks for your patience.

Hi ₲₳ⱤɎ, thanks for letting us know. Our unbranded email was a test to see if you're paying attention—well done, you passed! As for refusing the order via your Ring doorbell, we’re genuinely excited to see how that negotiation goes. Best of luck!

So sorry @kazfss. Would you also like us to remind you to shower, change clothes and eat? At some point you need to sort yourself out.

Very sorry about this Jane Smith. We hoped our scanners would make your shopping experience smoother, but we didn’t anticipate them doubling as an icebreaker for our teams least eligible bachelors. We are able to recommend good staff. Keith is lovely. Poor hygiene but a heart of gold

Hi David Alexander Mitchell. Quite a strange thing to go shopping for, but we hope we managed to deliver. #everylittlehelps

Hi @Candice89gray. Very sorry about this. When the system sees the word “Tottenham” it always gives you fewer points than you’d hope for and expect.

An 18-month-old bottle of pop? Sounds like you’ve discovered our exclusive vintage range Jo McArdle. Keep hold of it incase you find yourself constipated after the festive food. One glass of this will clear you out within an hour.

Hi @wellduwduw, sorry to hear our *wine-based drink* didn’t hit the spot. We’ll definitely pass your feedback on to the team. If you go to our vegan section we have plenty of items that pair best with 'utter shit.' Cheers!