Stop saying guesstimate. You can admit you're bad at estimating without making up words

Publisher is translating the road into Japanese again. I don't know what was wrong with the first translation. My publicist wants me to learn mediocre Japanese for the publicity tour. He put the duel lingle on my wizard phone to teach me Why does duel lingle mock me so

My neighbor Felicity asks for the day I was born I know immediately she's going to psychoanalyze me based on how fast Jupiter was spinning at the moment my mother had a C-section in 1933 So I tell her I was never born but emerged fully grown from a vat of ephemera in the

Prolonging your death is not the same as prolonging your life Just heard a man at Burrito Factory brag about prolonging his death by four or five years which sounds horrible.

I met Ozzy Osbourne in 1985 at a movie night. That's what he called a party where he tried out his new moves before debuting them on stage His house was thick with bats and the familiar redolent aroma that British people gave off in the Thatcher era Ozzy grunted at me in the

We take Jayden to Disneyland every summer. I dread this because she only wants to ride Small World. Half the lyrics are accurate. A world of tears. Of darkness. Of fear. Quite so Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is the only other ride to accurately portray the true nature of existence

If there's not much going on around you it can be hard to win a staring contest with a dog. They dont give up and they find you the most fascinating thing in the room. It's been years since I've won any sort of contest

Help Alexa wont stop playing the theme from Hawaii Five-O I cant ring my nurse. She dropped her phone in the toilet at the discotheque a week ago and hasnt bought another due to her untreated attention disorder I need it to stop. This tune's heady exuberance is a poor fit for

My publicist can't write because he uses the chat GPT and because he's an idiot. This morning he's complaining about the new model of chat robot It's like waking up on Groundhog Day and Rita's smarter and hotter than she was the night before, but didn't care about me anymore

I used to think losing one's mind was something you only saw on TV. In real life I assumed it was so exceedingly rare I'd never come across it. Seems to be a lot more common than I thought In related news my nurse isnt coming today because horoscope Jupiter something something

Looking at the wiki encyclopedia while my publicist walks in *** Terry you know you're older than Elvis when he died Well that's a depressing thought for a Thursday. Hello to you too Mr. McCarthy *** Terry's right. Unexpectedly macabre trivia is the ideal greeting because it

Correspondence and correspondents are different words that mean different things

This bookstore threatens harm upon its customers I am not surprised such threats are legal now. But I am surprised a bookstore is the one making them

My dog shoved her nose into a hole in the ground and tried to insufflate a gopher I suspect my publicist does something similar on weekends. He often shows up on Monday looking suspiciously like he recreationally inhaled a small rodent