I can preach a Three Point Sermon in only One Point.

After I finished my coffee order the baristas broke into an invitation hymn, everyone in the coffee shop was saved.

When I scare the Hell out of people I really scare them away from Hell.

I'd storm into Heaven with all of you, but we are already invited in.

Even atheists wish me a Merry Christmas before they cease to be atheists.

I recited all the digits of π to the end. Twice. Today.

Did a call and response sermon. Me: Repent! Congregation: And we're ready to be baptized!

Fed 5000 people at a spontaneous revival using 2 Chick-fil-A nuggets and 5 waffle fries. On a Sunday. All were saved.

I can talk all day about how amazingly humble I am, and still be considered humble.

I brought a full crowd to Christ simply by uttering the phrase, "Hypostatic Union."

I answered the phone this morning and it was a wrong number. I'm baptizing their entire neighborhood.

I rate limit Twitter.

I don't rely on any translations of the Bible. I don't even use Hebrew or Greek. I study the word of God in the original inspiration.

When I raise one hand during a baptism it's because I'm getting high fives from the angels.

This but unironically.

I found Waldo. Then I baptized him.

I started making some jokes about "What if Chuck Norris was a preacher" and decided to make an account. It's a fine balance between keeping with the nature of Chuck Norris jokes and not making ministry profane.

If you put $1 into the offering plate and I put $1 into the offering plate, I have still put in more than you have.

Someone told me they just don't "feel the music," so I roundhouse kicked a hymnal to put the song in their heart.

My beard has 5 doctorates. Only 1 of them is honorary.